I remember being five and feeling self conscious about what I looked like in a bikini. I never thought I was anorexic because I didn’t look it. You can’t see any of my bones, and I’ve never been put in a behavioral center, so I thought I didn’t have it. At my biggest I was 155 lbs, and a size 11 pants, this was in the ninth grade in 2010. I started going to a therapist for depression from losing my father at 12. I never spoke of me starving myself or binge eating. When I got into tenth grade I found out I could eat as much as I wanted and vomit my guts out. I did that for about a year before my mom took me to the doctor, because she thought I had acid reflex. While there my doctor asked me in confidence if I made myself puke. That was scary for me because I didn’t want to be caught, so I stopped.
I continued starving myself for two more years before I decided I was sick and needed help. My therapist helped me a bunch, but I wasn’t quite ready for the help and quit going. I try hard to help myself now, but it’s still a daily struggle. There are days when I don’t eat because at this point my stomach doesn’t growl for food anymore. I thought I was better because I haven’t lost any weight for the past few months. Boy was I wrong. I have every symptom under the sun that you could have. Including bad memory, hair loss, moodiness, low blood pressure, heart flutters, weak muscles, swollen and painful joints, and bruising easily. My mom can ask me to do something and within 2 minutes I forget what she just said. Right now I have about thirty bruises just on my shins and calves.
The thing that makes me want to change the most are my three younger sisters. I see things in them that I saw myself do before I got the disease. I don’t want them to live out a life like this. At this point I weigh 110 lbs and wear a size 3. I have an amazing husband who has been supporting me through every step of this, and a wonderful mother who stands beside me. I also get comments from family who have no idea I’m anorexic or what I’m going through that will say things like “wow you’re just a bag of bones” or “how much more weight are you going to lose?” But the thing is I am more than a bag of bones. I am more than my weight, and you are too. If my story inspired at least one person, then I have achieved my goal.