I grew up with my Grandparents and eight girls. My mother and grandmother were alcoholics. Thankfully, my grandfather was sober and he helped me a lot, especially when my mom and grandma would fight. He’d take us out of the house for a few hours until things settled down. I was looking for an escape and I started drinking, smoking pot and taking pills when I was 12 years old. I was already an alcoholic by the time I turned 16. I always had the drugs and I had the coin because I began dealing and it supported my habit and then some.
I fell in love and I managed to clean up some for my first marriage to my high school sweetheart Jules, whom I still love to this day. However, pot and alcohol were always still in the picture. We lasted 8 good years and then divorced. Then, Yvonne was my second wife, and she became the mother of my first daughter, McKenzie. I gave that relationship all of me. We managed to last 15 yrs, to my surprise, but we both smoked and drank. Alcohol & drugs have always been a big part of my life. The funny part is, now that I am able to share my feelings and love myself, I’m alone. What can you do? But back then, it was a different story entirely!
I came to in the C.C.U. I remembered putting the shotgun to my head and pulling the trigger, but not the reason why… After spending 2 more days there, I was shipped off to the “nut house.” This may sound selfish, but I actually loved it there. For once in my life, I came first! Just when life was starting to make some kind of sense, they discharged me, and set up an out patient protocol which consisted of individual and group counseling. I thought I was making progress but almost immediately I was arrested for assault & battery with a deadly weapon, on myself! I never knew that attempted suicide was against the law.
After fighting for my life in court for 6 months, I gave up and plead guilty to a lesser charge of unlawful discharge of a weapon. Thank God the judge was an educated man and only gave me 30 days, with 1 yr probation. Now, I am a felon for the first time in my life.
However, even with all of this, I am managing to stay clean & sober, one day at a time. So, if I can stay sober, after dealing with that trauma, so can you! Don’t take that quick fix. Trust me, it doesn’t fix anything! All it does is make you hate yourself more. I’ve asked God many times, “Why did you spare me?” Today, I believe it’s to share my story with you. To make you understand that you can do it also, NO MATTER WHAT!!! Just take it one day at a time.
Today, I’m a retired builder after 30 years. I’m a very proud father. My daughter is 16 going on 40, and I am 17 months Clean & sober, for the first time in my life, and I pray it will last!