I have had ups and downs with recovery since Cedar Point. I have had to break up so-called friendship because it was bringing me down and I felt like I was being pulled under the water. It is like treading water on a choppy day at the ocean, but then having this person say things that makes you doubt your recovery, it is like someone pulling your foot and pulling you under the murky waters of the eating disorder. The one thing that pushed me forward to breaking ties with this person is that my husband, Terry, mentioned that,”my health is being compromised.” I told my therapist, Miriam what I did and why I did it. She understood and was glad that, “I was honoring myself and putting myself first.”
I also resumed a friendship that was fractured but we fixed it, and we are good now. I am glad that we can resume friendship and that this friend knows me very well.
I am the first one to admit it, I am having a hard time liking my weight gain during recovery, then again I wasn’t satisfied when I was at the low weight either.
Anorexia is trying to lure me back making those false promises, that I would be happy at a lower weight and my troubles will go away.
As I learned last year, that isn’t the case, I had more troubles and more worries. Miriam mentioned the hospital and that doctor that treats eating disorders. I don’t want to go down this road again, worrying her and worrying my husband. Also during that time, I was getting food dreams and just obsessed over the scale. Not a good way to live.
I want to find a balance and get away from this “black and white thinking,” that comes this illness. Things such as eating will equal obesity and I need to exercise all the time or I am lazy.
Also last week was my birthday and we celebrated it at the hotel and enjoyed the time without having to work out. Also that time, my foot was hurting so I had to learn to honor my body. Sometimes hard to do when I think I am supposed to exercise after a meal and a dessert. No I watched the weather channel and enjoyed Tornado Alley. The next morning I had a good breakfast without feeling guilty. With today being Thanksgiving, I am going to slowly try and have a little bit and not let ED/anorexia sabotage me.
I know with me I have to take it one day at a time or sometimes one meal at a time and not overwhelm myself with too much. Also I need to ask for help, rather it be from my husband putting away stuff for me, talking to my ED group or talking to Miriam, if the situation calls for it. I also have my kitten Horatio that I adopted in July and I got a recovery buddy, named Iva.
Every day, I will make it my mission to beat this evil thing called Anorexia. I can’t let it define me, there is more to this beautiful life than numbers on the scale and sizes.