The Calculating Mind: About Me

relationship

A: I would like to talk to you at some point… but it’s late.

B: Alright. I’ll see what I can do.

A: I kind of lied to you… a littlllleeee… but it’s over anyway.

B: woah wait what?

A: I mean… I lie to protect people. Sometimes people cannot handle things.

B: Now you need to tell me I need closure.

A: “Lie” was strongly phrased.My bad.Go to sleep.

B: Now I can’t, what happened?

A: Well, why did our relationship end?…The REAL reason?

B: Because I thought you weren’t as open about your feelings.

A: That is a TWO WAY street.You cannot have a double standard… expecting me to share everything and you not even telling me that your were applying to jobs in another city.

That is unfair.

I would obviously support anything that makes you happier.

You should know that.I’m not selfish…

B: I was very open about my feelings but you’re right I did hide that and I feel bad about it but I didn’t even know if it was gonna work out and when I got the position is when I told you.

A: You were not.

The last time I saw you, before you broke up with me… you WERE UPSET.

ANGRY.

FRUSTRATED.

I HAD NO IDEA WHY.

And you did not even attempt to explain at all.

I could see that you were hurting, but I wasn’t sure what was wrong and you didn’t seem to be willing to discuss it at all.

So.. you being open about EVERYTHING is bull.

Don’t even.

I’m not trying to attack you I promise.

So… I could see that my depression was something that you were taking personally… as if it was your job to ‘cheer me up’ and any failure was a personal one for you.

B: I was confused towards the end and didn’t know what I wanted to share and what I wanted to keep a secret because I didn’t know how you felt about anything else I shared and yes I was being selfish knowing I planned on moving and knowing that I didn’t want to do long distance and was waiting for something to happen that I needed to either stay or see where it goes and I didn’t get that and just felt like it was time to move on.

You are correct.

I fix things and I like to cheer up people and I could hardly tell if you were happy.

A: I was trying. It’s exhausting to try to appear “normal”…sometimes its easier to just be alone which intensifies depression.

B: You never opened up about your depression till we split and that might have helped.

A: I didn’t think that you could handle it.I didn’t want to hurt you.I already have hurt many that I am close to.

It is HARD on them I tried to avoid that.. so… I distanced myself to make it easier.

B: It was hard on me I could never tell if you were happy and I need the person I’m in a relationship with to be happy because if not I feel like everything I’m doing is wrong.

A: and you mentioned that we were seeing less and less of each other so… that’s why I didn’t want my depression to drag you down. You deserve better.

B: So this is just as much your fault as it is mine.

A: I tried to isolate the pain even though it hurt me to do so. That is selfless.You keeping information to yourself?

That is cowardly.

That is not selfless.

That is NOT the same.

Because you cannot HANDLE all of it.

I can HANDLE whatever information you give me.

I’ve seen what my depression does to people.

It would be TOO DAMN MUCH for you.

So.. its better that you moved away.

Made it easier.

It was a relief, really not to hurt you.

B: What we did may have different names but us not working out is both of our faults in the sense of you keeping your depression from me and it making me feel like I’m doing something wrong and you not being open.

A: I was in denial… I thought the depression was a one time thing.that’s what the doctor had said.

B: Stop painting yourself as a bad person because of your depression it’s what makes you you. you’re a beautiful person you just have faults just like everyone.

A: I didn’t understand that it would be a lifetime battle of mania and depression.
If I just listened to doctors, I would be so confused right now.

That’s why I had to figure it out myself, which I did.The psychologist said I had the right diagnosis.

So…. anxiety and bipolar are likely… “acute depression’ on my medical record is inaccurate.

In August, the depression really spiraled out of control. When you broke up with me, I didn’t even feel anything.

B: I feel like you’re hiding behind this depression and it’s really hindering you.

A: I’m NOT hiding anymore. I have my blogand I’m speaking out but… sometimes it comes at a cost.

B: That’s good.

A: and I get attacked, like my cousin, so… I have to be careful… easier said than done.Sometimes the people who try to help do more damage than good.an “everything is okay” approach minimizes my pain.

B: You know a lot of these messages are hurtful to me and I really don’t appreciate them.

A: See?? And I’m not even saying all of it.

I’m STILL protecting you.

This is the nice version.

B: Lashing out at me is not going to help you.

A: I’m not lashing out…

I’m trying to EXPLAIN.

There is a difference.

Explain my pain and frustration with everything.

Like, in September when I saw you and you asked about the car damage, I didnt… I refused to tell you about it. Just blew it off.

Because it would have only worried you or hurt you and you had enough on your plate with you moving and your new job and all of that.

B: Okay I’ve already said I’m sorry and I told you the truth what else do you want.

A: Nothing. Just go to sleep.You just don’t see things clearly and I’m trying to help, not hurt you because you ask for honesty…but I don’t know I knew that we were over the last time I saw you in August.

B: ‘m seriously about to like I’ve been trying to be a good sport about this and help you but I feel as if I’m the wrong person to help you with this so I don’t know if I can continue to attempt to help…

Honestly if I would have known all this from the beginning I would have never dated you…It doesn’t matter… you chose not to be yourself…I can’t be with someone like that…See now you know what you have you can find someone and be yourself with them it was just the wrong time for me…

A: I thought it was too much for youB: It still is.

A: I’m sorry.
I’ll stop.

B: Apology accepted.A: Good night.B: Goodnight

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