I spent most of my childhood nights in my hallway floor waiting for my fears to turn into a reality. As a child; I spent most of my time afraid and unsure of the world and everyone it. I always feared something bad was going to happen to me. One day I decided I was not going to be afraid anymore so I got up, crawled in bed, faced the wall and went to sleep. That night was the last night I remember myself in an authentic manner. The next morning I woke up a completely different and opposite person; fearless, aggressive, and ready to go. It was like I had no memory of all the fear and even if I did; I did not care to even think about it. From that point on; I spent a good portion of my life trying to find that “one and only ideal omnipotent love” to replace my emotionally non-existent and if existent; ambivalent, mother.
I met a very abusive man at the age of fifteen which was the hallmark of my traumatic life. I stayed with him for quite some time; till my early twenties. His goal was to turn me into this omnipotent, superhuman being with the use of various torture tactics. His objective was to induce extreme amounts of pain and fear on and in me until I could not feel neither anymore; till I was no longer afraid. When I look back I think to myself; wow, how ironic is it that I found a boyfriend to fulfill my unconscious desires of never wanting to be afraid again. I felt as if my boyfriend was my parent; the parent who should have picked me off that hallway floor and so whatever he chose to do for or to me; I trusted without a doubt because in my mind-he was my mom, he was the one who saved me off the hallway floor where I sat in fear for most of childhood. He ended up going to jail for various crimes and I was left to fend for myself emotionally and mentally for the very first time; the umbilical cord was involuntarily cut but the abuse was cut and removed from my life as well. I went on to more abusive relationships and obviously became more traumatized as the years went on-rape, kidnapping, torture and other various forms of abuse. I spent most of my early teenage years and young adolescence addicted to various drugs; meth, cocaine, alcohol, weed, downers, uppers, ecstasy, etc. I spent most of my time doing drugs; running away from nothing consciously but everything unconsciously. It was beyond surreal and when I overdosed for the first time-I was hit with reality for the first time. I almost lost my life but truly; I did not care because I kept abusing drugs . I overdosed for the second time on methamphetamine and I asked God to give me one more chance and I swore to him that night I would quit—–and I did. I walked away and never looked back.
Today; I am six and half years clean. I spent seven years consecutively in therapy trying to recover from severe severe mental illness. In my life, I have had; 2 years of agoraphobia and severe OCD, I had a borderline personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, social anxiety disorder, identity issues of all kinds and lastly, Stockholm syndrome.
Today I am cured from all of the above. I spent 3 years in CBT, rehab, the twelve step programs, various education groups, exposure therapy, bio-energetics, EMDR and lastly and most importantly; DBT therapy.
I experienced IMMENSE IMMENSE mental anguish and I definitely could say that I have seen the abyss and how deep the rabbit hole truly goes. I almost took my own life many times but I did not; something stopped me every single time.
I am here to tell you something; I thought I was going to die. I truly thought life had beaten me-that I had beaten me-that my family had beaten me-my boyfriend/abuser had beaten me. I spent years upon years in mental and emotional pain -to such an extreme-I am surprised I can construct a full sentence at this point. I am here to tell you that I won and that I was not beaten. I won a life worth living, a life filled with experience, a life worth sharing, a life that allows me to help people because I was not helped, a life worthy of me; essentially, I won myself back.
If I could sum up to you one piece of advice; it would be this;
I know you feel like you are on fire-I do; but if you walk threw that fire, I promise you that you will come out on the other side and realize truly and wholeheartedly; there was in fact no fire.
Be brave, be strong and never give up-even when you want-especially when you want to.
Writing this story to you has allowed me to add to my list yet another reason to not die in vein. If i could help just one person who reads this; it would be suffice. Hold on tight and know one thing-you matter and you are worth it so fight the good fight and come out on the other side and collect your winnings—see you there. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo