I never realized Narcissistic Abuse even existed until I had the unfortunate experience of falling in love with a Narcissist. I met my ex two years ago. She is a female but I do want to add that gender has no role in this because Narcissists can be of both genders. Our relationship started off at lighting speed. Within about two months of dating we were already living together. I ignored the red flags from the very first week together. She had gone out with friends and I came home from work and went to sleep, missing her calls and messages. The next day I wake up to many texts calling me a whore, worthless, imbecile, uneducated and trash. I couldn’t even believe it. I had no idea what caused her to insult me this way. So I told her this wasn’t going to work and she immediately came over and begged for me to forgive her, justifying her actions as her being drunk on whisky and that it would never happen again. I was so enmeshed with her by then which I didn’t realize at the time it was my codependency, I forgave her and little did I realize that this was the beginning of the most toxic and verbally abusive relationship I had ever been in.
Time passed and things seemed to get progressively worse. Her verbal abuse became a daily event. Her accusing me of cheating as well. Anytime she was angry she would start calling me names and even mocking my crying. It was a horrible feeling. She blamed me for everything stating that I was too jealous, crazy and insecure. Every time we would break up which was about 5 times in the last year, she would go immediately then next day and sleep with her ex girlfriend. Then come back begging me to take her back, that she loved me. I was so codependent and addicted to her I couldn’t let her go.
I was addicted. I didn’t know why she had such a hold over me and I felt worthless from all the name calling. A year passed of this and I began to research verbal abuse and I came across a Narcissist Support group online. I finally started to realize I was dealing with a Narcissist who could not accept responsibility for any of her behavior and was unwilling and unable to change. In may 2015 ignoring all the break ups, red flags and her sleeping with her ex I still tried to make things work. She proposed and we got married on May 25. I thought things would get better because we were married, because I just needed that commitment from her. But things never got better. In fact the verbal abuse became worse. I was even having thoughts of suicide from all the verbal abuse and mental Abuse. But I loved her so much. Or the illusion of her. I couldn’t let go.
July 2015 only two months after we got married, she would not stop insulting me. I had started to read a book about abuse and boundaries and I began to set boundaries with her. At the time, her license was suspended and I had to drive her around. My boundary was that if she called me names she would have to walk. And this time I was serious. So I made her walk many times. In return, I got the silent treatment as punishment. On July 29th after a terrible incident at home in which she told me that her ex was great in bed, I decided to leave to a domestic violence shelter. But two days later I went back thinking I could still fix this. Crazy right? But I didn’t want to give up on my marriage, so I went back only for her to tell me she was leaving. July 31st she left me. Only two months after getting married. I was left devastated and destroyed. Not even two months later her friend was posting pictures of her and her new girlfriend. I was replaced that easy by someone who promised to love me till death do us part.
It’s been 5 months since she left. I now realize that this was a blessing in disguise. Since then, I have joined Codependents Anonymous and began to work on my childhood trauma issues that have been the primary reason that I have chosen such toxic and unhealthy partners. I began to focus on myself, writing again, working on building my self esteem and slowly the feeling that I am worthless is fading. I began to practice meditation, read on Narcissistic Abuse. And as I built my strength, I have decided to help others who still are suffering. I opened a Facebook group called Verbal and Narcissist Abuse Support Group. And my passion for helping others and myself has also lead me to write my story and the 10 steps that have helped me the most in healing from this abuse. I know today that I will be happy again. That this pain will pass someday, and that her leaving was divine protection. I am free. My book is called “The Journey Back To Self 10 Steps To Healing From Narcissistic Abuse”. I hope my story can help others in their own recovery journey.